Losing
by Kia Vail-Kagami
Summary: KS fic. A silent non-conversation, set somewhere after Vol. 18.


I haven't been able to push myself to write something for quiet sometime and I'm afraid my writing skills have suffered greatly from that lack of practice – what I want to say is that I am not satisfied with this at all. In fact, I think it is one of the worst stories I ever had the courage to upload…

Anyway, the inspiration for this fic came from a song by X-Japan… Extra points for anyone who can figure out which one. (Yeah, it's one of my favourite songs, and I'm sorry this story didn't turn out any better… TT)

Disclaimer: Kamui belongs to Clamp, Subaru belongs to Seishiro who belongs to Clamp as well, just like everyone else mentioned here. Tokyo belongs to itself, I suppose…

Losing

By Kia

The sky over Tokyo was grey all day. It didn't rain though, but it was cold, winter finally coming closer. Kamui thought this weather to be fitting his mood. He didn't like it – it was uncomfortable, depressing and hopeless – but it was fitting his mood. Even the lack of rain was fitting, because rain was a release for so many unspoken things that just wouldn't come.

Somewhere behind the wall of bright grey that covered the sky the sun was setting. It was not to be seen this day but he could tell, from the way the dim light was slowly fading and the room grew darker.

The boy tore his gaze away from the skyline of the city and the clouds above it to the man sitting in the back of the room. Suabru was looking at him, through him, to the city and the grey sky, but Kamui doubted he was seeing that either. He couldn't really tell, because it was too dark inside already to see his eyes and the prophesied saviour of the world was grateful for it, for now he didn't have to see the emptiness in those eyes, or the fact that said eyes weren't matching in colour anymore.

In this twilight the older man wasn't much more that a narrow shadow, unmoving, barely breathing, but there, present and by his side, and with the darkness hiding his eyes the boy could almost pretend that he was still alive.

Kamui liked the twilight.

But even the shadows couldn't keep up the illusion for long, and after a short while Kamui looked away again and tried to tell himself that it was because of Fuuma that his eyes filled with tears, that it was the fate of all the innocents that had died in this fight that made salty water blur the sight of the buildings these innocents had lived in, while his heart felt nothing for those people and Fuuma was for once not the first thing on his mind.

No sound interrupted the silence between them.

-

Subaru watched the tears fall form the boys eyes and did not move. He just sat there, motionless and silent, on the hard wooden chair and listened to the sounds of the city, coming in through too thin walls. And though deep in his heart he felt sorry for the child that was so vainly trying not to cry in front of him he did not find it in him to try and help.

There was no help, anyway.

Subaru did not understand what Kamui expected from him, or what he was searching for when he looked into his eyes, but whatever it was, he would not find it. Because there wasn't anything to be found. But he knew that that boy should not be here. There was already so much burden placed on his small shoulders by an uncaring fate, he didn't need one more. And Subaru couldn't help him anymore. Nor would he try.

It was time for Kamui to stop clinging to the person he thought Subaru was. He should just leave. And forget him. Otherwise he would only get hurt, again.

The dragon of earth closed his eyes and tried very hard not to care. A few seconds later he gave up.

As much as he hated that thought, he knew that Kamui loved him. It was an innocent love, so much like the love the boy he himself had been a lifetime ago had felt for a man who had never existed, but it was love none the less, and he could give nothing in return. He still cared for that boy, despite the fact that he tried not to, but what Kamui wanted he could not give him. No love, no comfort, no help, just a distant kind of understanding that was no help at all. Everything else another had taken from him the moment his sister had died so many year ago, and he had never given it back. He had taken it with him then, across the line that divided the living from the dead, and there was nothing left for him now but pain and emptiness and the memory of words he could not trust.

Subaru closed his eyes once again, longing for a cigarette.

-

It was almost a week now, since Kamui had come to the tiny apartment Subaru now lived in and simply refused to leave again. Almost a week since he had found him again – him, who he had missed so much after he had just left and thus made it perfectly clear that no one of his companions mattered enough for him stay. The boy never mentioned the hurt that realisation had caused him – he had known it all along, hadn't he? – he did not once ask about that amber eye that had not been there before, nor did he mention the times he had heard Subaru cry quietly in his sleep.

All his life Kamui had had people worrying over him. His mother first, and Fuuma and Kotori – that thought brought more tears to his eyes and he turned away so the other would not see it – then the Dragons of Heaven and all the other people connected to them. Sorata, Yuzuriha, Subaru himself… Even though he did not appreciate it at times Kamui had always been one others tried to protect. But after he had met Subaru that day, after the man with the sad eyes and the warm smile had come to rescue him, a perfect stranger, from the depths of his own mind, he had felt the need to protect someone himself. To protect the weak light in those green eyes, the almost invisible smile and the last, broken remains of a heart. It was only later that he realised that he also wanted to keep them for himself. And that he could never, ever have it. Because it had already been taken and kept long ago.

He had wanted to protect people before, and every time he met Fuuma now, Fuuma he so badly wanted to turn back into the boy he once had been,  he got reminded of his ultimate failure.

And _he_ was supposed to save the word…

Often enough he had wondered why he of all people should he the one to be trusted with the fate of the word. Often enough he had wished that someone else could have taken the role of their leader, someone who wouldn't break every time things went wrong. Subaru would have been his first choice then, until he realised that the quiet onmyouji only took everything so calmly because he had been broken long before.

And then whatever light there had been left in his eyes had died away, right in front of him, and he could do nothing but watch.

Now, there was nothing he could do but listen to him whispering His name in the dead of night.

Finally, Kamui swallowed the tears. Crying would not help, and yet he knew that staying here wouldn't either and he stayed none the less.

Maybe he should fix a meal instead. Do something useful. But he already knew there wouldn't be any food in the fridge and he couldn't summon the will to go and buy any. He couldn't even be sure if Subaru would eat it. The man who had broken his heart beyond repair had also taken away his will to live – as well as any chance to end it. Kamui never quiet understood the onmyouji's will to give up himself so completely, but as the days passed away he realised that none of his wishes would ever come true: He started to understand that the Fuuma he knew was gone for good, and that it was time for him to accept that Subaru was too.

-

Kamui didn't ask where he was going when Suabru finally moved; hating himself for what he was about to do and unable to hate Him for making him do it, he took his coat and opened the door in silence. He knew Kamui would not leave and he didn't ask him to. He didn't have the heart to send him away but he wished he would go. Yet he also knew that eventually the boy would accept the truth and give up and leave. It would only hurt more with every day he stayed. Suabru was not someone Kamui needed. Not someone who could help him and not someone who would do him any good. But for now he pushed those thought aside and left, for it had been a while already and the tree needed to be fed.

Outside he shivered despite his coat. It didn't rain yet and didn't seem like it would start anytime soon, but the wind blew cold through the city this evening,  and the sky was grey.

July 14, 2004


End file.
